Torturing Myself with Led Class Again…

So the beated dog is back. Yes, it’s me. I can feel that I have used some muscles this week. Today breathing wasn’t flying, body was heavy, but the mind was suprisingly ok. It takes quite an effort to motivate yourself for the led class at 4.15 a.m. but it always pays back. Led class is torture, but when you have finished, you feel like queen of the world. During the led class I mostly feel that I want to hit somebody or walk out. Preferably both.

Because I am only doing the Half Primary now, I have to wait that the others have finished the whole Primary. It’s nice to watch others, but at the same time I am getting cold, so I am hoping that I will get all asanas of Primary Series and I can go through the whole torture. Yes, I believe that ashtangis (including me) are sort of masochists and I am sure that ashtangis weren’t present, when the gift of mercy against yourself was offered. This doesn’t mean that everything should be done in a hard way. Of course real pain is different. Then you have to stop immediatly and I suppose that even most of the ashtangis get that. Like Dena wisely said in her workshop, we only have this body, we have to protect it and made the best out of it.

There are different kind of pains. One of my teacher has defined one sort of pain as sweet pain. For me, sweet pain is like playing with fire. If you take it too deep, it burns you, but if you go only close, it warms you. I have always said that ashtanga in fact makes me as a better person. Ashtanga isn’t only asanas, it’s also challenging myself outside the mat, in real world every day.

I spoke an other day with Australian Claire and we both agreed, that what we ashtangis really like and need is discipline. Quite many of us have spent many years (and some of us still do) in demanding jobs like professionals in dance, music, law or medicine. You need the same discipline with ashtanga, which you have experienced during your previous studies. Ashtanga isn’t so much work with your body, it’s mostly work with your head.

So every time when I open my mat, I am fighting. I am fighting against my laziness, weak body, restless mind, too big expectations, stiffness, sore muscles and disappeared balance. I am actually not fighting against my body, I am fighting against my mind. My body is on my side already. The difficulty is to get my mind next to it.