I know. It’s not politically correct to use language like that, but it’s, how I am fighting with my practice sometimes in my head. I can be furious on mat. There is no ahimsa, there is only pure rage.
This morning was my typical fuck you practice -day. I woke up, I didn’t feel like at all practicing. I took a taxi to the shala with Andrew and before that, I was laying on sofa and wondering, why I am torturing myself with this stupid practice, when it’s not going anywhere and my bloody back keeps hurting. Should I just give up? Should I just stay home and get drunk instead of going to the shala, doing the same thing and coming back home tired and frustrated? Why I am doing this? I just wanted to stay at home, not to practice and hate the world, just on my own.
But there is one thing, which keeps me going. It’s discipline. I don’t skip practice unless I am really ill. I am very stubborn. I practice even when I don’t feel like it. I practice even when it rains and I have to walk to the shala. I practice even when it’s freezing and dark outside. I practice even when the shala is too hot for me. I practice even when the shala is too cold for me. I go there, I do my thing and after I can be happy, tired, furious, frustrated, hyper or just balanced, but I always go there and do my thing.
During the time in Byron my shraddha (faith) has been really tested. Shala has been cold, I have been in the corner doing my Primary and my back has hurted quite much. There has been too much drama going on around me outside the shala and I have been really close to snap totally. But somehow, I have been able to control myself and I have kept going.
So when I walked to the shala, I decided that I am gonna practice like maniac. I am gonna push like crazy and drive myself to the limits. And I did that and my practice was good. It was strong and focused. I have to be really careful with this kind of like practice style, because I can hurt myself easily. Today I was playing with fire and I was able to not burn my fingers.
After practice I felt good. I was tired and my body was beaten up. I could almost feel my hands shaking. And my nervous system was singing hallelujah for sure. But everything in my mind was clear and my breathing was strong. I was there. Full stop.
I was waiting Andrew outside the shala and Dena came out. She started to talk with me, asked about my normal practice, when my back is ok. I told her the same old story, how I have been unable to open Second, because I can’t do dropbacks. And how the disc comes out so easily, if I do dropbacks. She looked surprised, when she heard that I haven’t done Second at all. And she said that she has had disc problem, too. Dena continued, that she is going to open Second for me anyway. She wants to give me three first poses from Second. And she asked, would I feel comfortable to do the dropbacks with her. I said, that we could try.
So now I am excited and terrified at the same time. I trust on Dena, she knows, what she is doing. But my dropbacks are terrible, really embarrasing. I just wish that someday I can pull my dropbacks together and just enjoy.
However, today’s practice was again a great reminder, why I practice. I practice to get my mind more focused and my body in shape. Fuck you practice is the best practice. Even when I hate it so much! It takes me to the next level. So don’t give up, do your thing and get to the next level!