16 Jan 2012

Light Is There!

This practice is so strange. It hits you in the face, it doesn’t slap you, it really hits you. You cry and you crowl, but something keeps you going. People around are telling you that you are mad to continue, but you just keep going. You cry more, you crowl in the mud and even your mouth is full of it. You close your eyes and you just keep going. You are tired, wreck, fed up and angry. There is nothing left. You are begging everything to stop. And all of the sudden everything is easy, beautiful and peaceful. You feel strong, you are perfect, everything is perfect. Just one glimpse of that and you are ready to crowl more.

Today I got my glimpse of light. I woke up, my body felt awful and I had headache. I crowled to my living room’s mat with my blanket and twisted my body into first yin poses. Right side, left side, core exercises. Pain in my body, pain in my head. Breathing. Slowly and weakly. It took so much willpower to drag myself to the gate, but when I am there, I am there. Small group of people, because it’s the mid of the month. New people coming, old friends leaving. I got my spot and a very lovely shala neighbour Shelley. Our pink mats were matching and her practice was quiet, beautiful.

Practice was ok, I started slowly and did sun salutations slowly, movement by movement just focusing on my back and breath. My body started to feel better and I found my focus. Practice went fast, I was amazed to be in the end. Urdva Dhanurasana was hard, but I stood up afterwards to wait Sharath. I said to Sharath, that I will do only the small ones. I did four and before the last one Sharath asked: ”Hands together?” and I said yes. But on the contrary I went all the way down, took my five breaths there and he lifted me up smoothly. No pain. I told him that it wasn’t too bad. He asked me, if I can come later. So he is going to show me some extra exercises.

I think that I would be terrified to do drop-backs with anybody else. I would propably just totally refuse to even try. During the practice I trust Sharath 100 per cent. Hundred, not ninety-nine. It takes time to build up a relationship like that. It’s a huge effort from me and an enermous one from him. Specially with me, because I don’t trust people easily. He didn’t gain my trust forcing me to do things or yelling at me. He gained my trust giving me the time I needed, not harming me, but giving his support and love for me. I will never forget that. And I will be grateful for that the rest of my life. This is my understanding of guru-student relationship in ashtanga yoga tradition. And this is only the beginning.

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