22 Dec 2011

Why I Am Here?

During yesterday’s conference Sharath asked us, why are we here. I think that we were a bit shy to answer that question, because nobody really replied. Part of Sharath’s own reply was that we are somehow connected to this place because of our previous lifes. We might have been practicing yoga for a really long time.

Sunday’s conference was so beautiful, we did a little bit pranayama together and Sharath was in such a good mood. I believe that questions like that are bringing us closer to each other. It gives you a feeling that you are part of something bigger, that being here is very important.

My reply for that question would have been, that I am here, because this is the source. This place is the source of ashtanga yoga tradition. I am learning directly from my own teacher Sharath, from my Guru. I am receiving information, which has existed in India for ages, but which almoust got lost. Ashtanga vinyasa yoga is a system, where you learn directly from your guru, who learned directly from his guru. This practice should be done in a certain way and I personally feel that Sharath is the right person to show me this way.

But this way is also such a crazy struggle. I have faced so many obstacles, practice has been so hard with my injuries and I have hesitated this practice a lot. I have had many days, when practice has been just crap. I have been tired, fed up, lonely, hopeless. I have hated this practice so much and I have cried. I have also faced (and will face) so many people, who can’t understand my decisions related to this practice. They will never understand, why I studied a degree in law, then gave up my career and just started to focus on my practice. They won’t understand, why I want to spend all my money to be able to be here with my teacher. And it’s not always easy to be here either. Sometimes India is just getting on my nerves and making me very tired. This is my fifth Christmas away from home, second in Mysore and my family keeps asking, if I ever plan to be at home during Christmas time. And among other small questions they keep asking, where I am going to live and work, when I go back home.

For me it is just some really strong feeling, that I have to be here. That this practice is actually doing some good for me and this way is right for me. It’s so easy to be in Mysore, because I don’t have to explain anything to anybody. People around me understands me. Because they have the same feeling.

Many people also say that in Mysore you can have some special spiritual experiences. I don’t know, if I believe in that, but something interesting happened for me here a couple of days ago. I was driving with my friend Maria and I was just thinking, how dangerous and insane Indian traffic is. A strange thought about dying in a traffic accident came to my mind and I was thinking my childhood friend, who died in a traffic accident. And all of the sudden we hit another bike. We were driving along the main street and the guy came out of nowhere just in front of us. We fell down in a very slow-motion way. It was so strange, because I wasn’t afraid. I just had a feeling, that nothing bad will happen. That my time isn’t yet. After the accident (nobody got hurt, the guy got scared and run off the place before we were able to talk with him) I was of course a bit shaky and I saw another accident yesterday, which was scary too, but at the same time I felt that this was a good reminder for me, that life is very short. We never know, when our time is due, so it’s better to enjoy the ride and just try to be here now.

Part of this way is also, that sometimes practice just feels incredibly good. My mind is quiet, my body is strong and I am in my body. I don’t feel any pain, I can just hear my own breathing and my friends’ breathing around me. Sometimes I can hear Sharath’s counting in my head, sometimes I don’t hear anything, I am just flowing. I don’t think.

I want to dig in deeper to this practice. There is something there. I don’t know, what it is. But I just have this feeling, that it’s something good. It makes me feel light and happy. Effortless.

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